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“When Jack turned around, all he saw was still water where his daughter was swimming a few moments ago.” Lane starred at the TV screen as if it were her first time seeing this news on NBC. She had come to every search engine her mind thought of to tell her that Jane really did disappear; Jane’s dad almost from the shock. As NBC again recited the story, Lane listened with the most care... “As Jack Axelwood ( 41 ) and Jane Axelwood, ( 18 ) were kayaking on the Lake Erie, Jane disappeared after a loud disturbance on the water. There have bin 12 other accounts of the same nature, including, Su-lu-young, Kate, Harry, Maggie, Isabella, Marta, Martha, Ruth, Eibhlin, Bella, Edward, Chris, and Jane, making it 13 cases of missing children and teens, all under 20… And now we turn to Dr. Montgomery….” Lane stopped listening as the Dr. described in boring detail as what he thought happened to the children. Nothing new was heard in this news segment, but maybe in the morning there will be more news. Lane couldn’t stand it any longer. Her step daughter had disappeared the moment she let her out of her sight. And she was pondering the idea a knock came on the door. “Who is it?” Without waiting for an answer she briskly walked to the door and pushed it open. The moment she opened the door a sharp pain hit her on her side, after that, she couldn’t remember nothing for a while, numbness, just numbness.

“Stop! Stop! Why are you doing this!? No! Just stop hurting me!!” Behind the closed door of Lane’s torturing cell a treasure hunter stormed in the leaders conference room. “I demand to know why you are torturing that poor woman!” The leader was sitting on his high backed chair, totally oblivious to the treasure hunter’s question. He only looked at him when the treasure hunter threatened to have a rebellion. “I said, I demand to know why you are torturing that poor woman!” The leader, Mr. Dee just put his fingers to his lips making the treasure hunter silence himself. “Listen” Mr. Dee. said. From the other side of the hall, a female voice cries “Ok I’ll tell you everything I know! Please stop hurting me! Stop! I will tell you everything I know about the monster!!!” “That’s why we are torturing her, my friend” said Mr. Dee; “She has information we need to know.” After that, Mr. Dee told Nyle why they did what they did to Lane. “…and after I found out she started to do some private investigating about the disappearance of the kids, she started to go to Lake Erie more often then necessary. So one day I had a spy follow she using the cover of the tourist guide. She took a boat and after three hours can back to shore carrying a very large bundle. When asked what was inside it, she chose not to lie and say something about investigating the “monster.” After that, she stayed in her house for four days! Probably examining the things she found.” Unlike most people, Nyle wasn’t skeptical about what his boss just told him. One thing he learned on this job was to never, never question the boss. They were in a team of 10 people who live on finding treasures and excavating old sites. It didn’t happen often that they found something but when they did, it was enough to support 10 people, most with families, for a few months. So if his boss told him they needed to torture this woman to get their treasures, it was a no questions asked deal.

Lane woke up on a soft bed. She had bruises on her hands, arms, and legs. As she opened her eyes, the memories of last night came flooding back into her mind. She lay there for a few minuets wondering if it was all a dream. The second she moved though, she knew it certainly wasn’t. She collapsed at her first attempt to stand on her feet. As she thought about getting up, something hit her, and after that, the numbness returned.Do you like the first part of my story?
Okay...



If you were getting tortured, would you yell “Stop! Stop! Why are you doing this!? No! Just stop hurting me!!”



No.



You'd be a lot more uncensored.



Your story is very unrealistic.



And bad.Do you like the first part of my story?
I do It is very good!! i would definatly read this!

u certaintly have good ideas good luck with the rest!Do you like the first part of my story?
Good but a bit confusing.



Answer mine? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?…Do you like the first part of my story?
hmmm, you should give the victims in the beginning last names. It is unrealistic that a newscast would not mention their last names. Also, be careful that you put the names Bella and Edward right next to each other. I don't really care, but there will be people who get all over you for using "Twilight names" and especially if u use them together like that. Not my opinion, but something to watch out for. Also, when you describe Lane waking up and all, you say that it hurt her the second she tried to move, but then you say she collapses. She couldn't have stood up the second she moved. I think you should make it more gradual. Like she moves and it hurts, then she pushes herself into a sitting position, ignoring the pain. She tries to stand up, but collapses and that is when somebody comes behind her and knocks her out.



happy writing!