Excerpt from my novel.....love feedback. let me know what you think...thanks!?

The tears were running down my face now, I couldn’t stop them. An hour went by, we sat there in silence, listening to the oldies radio station. The rolling stones, Dusty Springrfield, Bob Dylan, The Beatles. The ghost of my mother coming back with every measure, and the coldness of today breathing in every note. I was then considering opening the truck door, and jumping out. Two car accidents in less than twenty four hours. I wonder if that would be some sort of record. The thought of it made me laugh a little. I envisioned the look on my fathers face as he saw my back fling out of the truck and sound of the thump as my body hit the pavement. I saw him at my funeral, all the mourners approaching him. “Chris, we our so sorry about your loss. First Cheryl, and now Ruth. What a tragedy. We are so sorry.” The scores of people approaching my casket, shaking their heads in disbelief. My brother Tony, kneeling before the casket, crossing himself and crying. My best friend Alicia standing inExcerpt from my novel.....love feedback. let me know what you think...thanks!?
It kept my interest the whole way through, unlike most excerpts I've seen here. So, good job with that. ^^



The tenses were a little bit different, but nothing too major.



I think it might have been a little bit more powerful if you started with a variation of the fourth sentence, though your current hook is pretty good, too.



I was kind of confused, though, with the 'my casket'... It made it sound like a story where the perspective was from the dead person. Might want to change that. :)Excerpt from my novel.....love feedback. let me know what you think...thanks!?
Nice I wish i had your talent. Submit to a writing publisher.
too much thought and too much purple prose, not enough action.Excerpt from my novel.....love feedback. let me know what you think...thanks!?
i think its good!!! if this is your dream, go for it!
wow...this was amazing :)



it made me very sad...but i throughly enjoyed it :)Excerpt from my novel.....love feedback. let me know what you think...thanks!?
very good



nice grammar, only 2 mistakes(sorry grammar freak) when you said me instead of my in the edit, and his hand ym face or something, an error there (doesnt show while i answer)



otherwise very good



better if you told us what it was aobut, but excellent
I actually really liked it. I liked your wording in the beginning.
whoa. Very nice. I was glued to it.
Your tense is inconstant throughout. Makes it kinda hard to follow the flow, jolts out the reader, you know?
It's full of sentence fragments, comma splices, and run on sentences, particularly within the first paragraph.



Remember, a sentence must have a subject, predicate, and a verb. It must be a main clause. If it doesn't have those three things, and is not a main clause, it can't be a sentence.



"The tears were running down my face now, I couldn’t stop them."

This is a comma splice. A comma splice occurs when two main clauses are separated only by a comma. A main clause is a sentence that can stand by itself. "The tears were running down my face now" and "I couldn't stop them" can stand by themselves; they are both complete sentences. So you can't have them separated by just a comma. You have to have a period, a semi-colon, or a conjunction between the two main clauses. So it needs to be changed. For example... "The tears were running down my face now. I couldn’t stop them.", "The tears were running down my face now; I couldn’t stop them.", or "The tears were running down my face now, but I couldn’t stop them."



There are other comma splices in there, so you'll want to correct those. Another example is the "An hour went by, we sat there in silence, listening to the oldies radio station" sentence. "An hour went by" and "We sat there in silence" are both main clauses, but "listening to the oldies radio station" is a subordinate clause because it can't stand by itself as a sentence and make sense. So that sentence needs to be changed. Examples are: "An hour went by. We sat there in silence, listening to the oldies radio station" or "An hour went by. We sat there in silence while listening to the oldies radio station."



"The ghost of my mother coming back with every measure, and the coldness of today breathing in every note".

This is a sentence fragment. It is not a true sentence and cannot stand on it's own. It is punctuated as a sentence when it should not be. To check for sentence fragments, check for three things: If there is a subject, if there is a verb, and whether or not it is a subordinate or main clause.



"The ghost of my mother coming back with every measure, and the coldness of today breathing in every note."

The verb is "to come back". The thing that came back is the ghost. So this sentence has both a subject and a verb. However, it's a subordinate clause, so it isn't a sentence. To fix it, you could make it read, "The ghost of my mother was coming back with every measure, and the coldness of today was breathing in every note".



So, there you go. Sounds like a decent story, but there are grammatical errors. Comma splices and run on sentences are a big no-no. You want to avoid those.



Also, the tenses were a little inconsistent. It needs to be in past tense or present tense-- don't go back and forth between the two.
Meh, it was okay.

Something about it was off. The way you described what your funeral would be like was not written very well. I personally think that the whole thing was not written very well. From you you told us, I felt no urge to read more. I don't know what the book is about or anything. If you don't capture your reader within the first paragraph, you will lose most readers.

You have potential, I can tell, but you just need to find your spark. Don't give up.
Effective use of mood and tone. The narrative does a good job of keeping a reader's attention throughout.



However, this may need to be revised simply for clarity. At one point during my first read through, I thought that the narrator had died, and was speaking from beyond the grave. (perhaps it was my fault.)



This is actually a decent piece of work. One of the best excerpts I've read on YA